You know they’re cheating but getting the truth out of them can be a painful and toxic process, it doesn’t have to be that way, you don’t have to relinquish control of the situation.
I’d love to give you definite number of how many people cheat, but unfortunately, it’s basically impossible because the definition of infidelity keeps expanding, from the traditional secret hook ups to keeping active on dating apps. So, if for today you are listening to your gut instinct and it’s telling you that something’s off, then perhaps you need to rip those sheets off and find out what’s going on under there.
1- Language: Pick up all the details and listen carefully
While their stories are simple, a cheater will suddenly make things longer and more complicated. They’ll use convoluted sentences and add irrelevant details in a bid to make a story sound more convincing. They will also use the third person to distance themselves from their actions. So, in this case, just let them talk, don’t interrupt them and allow them to tell their story in full, you’ll need all the details later on to punch holes in their alibi, so to speak.
2 Body language
Even though deep inside you want to throw something into their face, control these impulses, and try to act naturally. It sounds damn obvious, but sometimes we lose track of our impulses and these give us away, so take a breather before you step into the room. When they’re speaking, nod occasionally, and make them feel at ease. If they have their guard up it’ll be far harder for them to slip up. You have to lower their guard, so they show tiny clues.
3- Don’t intimidate
This is not an interrogation and nor should you actively try to intimidate them. You need to give them the space to talk and not constantly pick apart every word they utter. I know it’s painful and you’re going through a rough time, but if you keep your center during this time, it’ll be easier to control your reactions when the truth finally comes out.
4- Be a Psychological Ninja
The Priming technique consists of aligning the thoughts and behaviors of a person. In this case, your partner will be more cooperative if you ask questions like “do you consider yourself an honest person?” They’ll obviously answer “yes” because most people imagine themselves to be so. This will force your partner to analyze whether they’re truly honest and mixed with the guilt, it’s likely they’ll admit their wrongdoings.
5- Change the order of the story
Ask your partner to repeat the story in a different order, you can ask them to start from the middle or work their way backwards. Liars often find it difficult to tell their story in a different order, which is why they are incredibly structured and linear when they lie. When they’re explaining the facts you can interrupt them by asking, “so what was it that you did or say beforehand.” If you notice they become flustered and don’t remember, then you know for a fact that they’re lying and they’ll have no other option but to confess.
6- Set the trap, and wait…
It’s very common for cheaters to involve close friends or relatives to prove their absences, attitudes, and behaviors. So, when you’re repeating their version of the story, you can add incorrect elements, for example “ah yes, you said that once you left work, you went bowling, right?” You know they didn’t say that, but if they’re so busy constructing the lie and keeping up appearances they’ll likely agree with you.
7- Watch your tone…
You have to make sure that your partner opens up, so control your tone, even if your Sarcasm Monster is just waiting to be released into the wilds. If you measure your tone, when you ask questions they won’t suspect a thing. The moment they perceive you’re onto something then they’ll be more alert and it’ll be more difficult for them to admit their infidelity.
This is the hardest to do and it will demand a lot of you emotionally, but it is an important step in the process. If your partner believes you are empathetic to their behavior, it’ll lower their guard. In an atmosphere of understanding, they’re more likely to confess and there’s no turning back.
9- Don’t reveal all of your research
The reason you’re having this conversation with them in the first place is because you’ve done some digging of your own and found damning evidence. Don’t throw facts into their face like, “I know you weren’t with your friends last night” because they’ll just deny things. Use the information you have to deconstruct their stories and arguments.
10-Let them fill in the blanks
Guide your partner so they tell you what they’ve done and they offer more details at their own accord. They already know unconsciously that you’re already aware of the facts and it is only a matter of time before the truth is revealed. So, here you are letting them dig their own grave and leave the hard work to them.
These ten points at the end of the day are not to create the perfect, safe environment for your partner, they’re meant to help you. You’re already suffering and you’re hurt, but if during that painful moment you are in control of the situation, then you’ll feel more stable and clear-headed.
The journey won’t be an easy one, but one thing’s for certain, you can’t go on living with this worry and doubt, you don’t deserve it. It’s better to drain the wound and allow it to heal naturally, than wait for it to fester and grow worse.
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